Not one to criticize without personal experience, it was inevitable that I found myself stretched out on a chiropractor’s table earlier today, prepared to endure an adjustment to my spine to clear subluxations that I was told were probably crimping the flow of energy from my body to my brain, restricting the smoothness of my dance moves and exposing me to the ridicule of the community.
Leg over here, thusly, pull hip over there, arm up here, head turned just so, then I feel the pressure of hands on my spine and at the base of my neck, and… CRACK! CRACKITY-CRACK! Explosions up and down my spine announced the release and expulsion of the evil vertebral subluxations that were ruining my life.
Instantly, energy flowed through my nerves, up my spine, and into my brain, illuminating all the dark corners and reconnecting the chaotically scrambled dissociations in my jumbled thoughts. Suddenly, with my newly cleared thinking, I completely understood the complexities of Antigo’s community dynamics, and saw the solutions to social problems that I hadn’t even realized were there. I leaped up, paid my bill in cash as requested, and danced gracefully throught the streets of Antigo, to the delight and amazement of passers-by, and sailed through the glass door of the Antigo Daily Journal.
Leaping over the customer counter, I floated across the room to Fred Berner’s office, leaned over his desk, grabbed him by his furry ears firmly enough to knock clumps of ear wax onto the desk, and planted a big kiss on his forehead. “Fred!” I shouted into his now-opened ear, “I was wrong! I’m sorry! I take back all my criticisms of the Antigo Daily Journal! You’re a genius, for showing us The Way and liberating the whole town from the tyranny of grammar rules and imposed language usage expectations! Love live the pen of the maverick!”
My confession complete, I swirled around and bounded out the door and down the street. I went from one chiropractic office to the next, all over town, and gleefully locked in appointments for spinal adjustments from all of them, in rotation, determined to save the floundering chiropractic community from the ravages of the current economic recession by my dedication and support, so I could experience this total body and mind exhilaration again and again for years to come!
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Albus, is this your version of a sassy April Fool’s joke?
I believe it is!
What?! Are you accusing me of being not-serious? I’ll have you know I am always absoLUTEly serious…. I’m just misunderstood, a lot….
Didn’t you see that pink flyer in the ADJ from Stuber and McCabe of Gress Chiropractic? These two little girls pictured in the ad swore up and down that their normal childhood ailments were cured by spinal adjustments. And the flyer says, “That’s why so many people come to to see us with their head-aches, migraines, chronic pain, whiplash from car accidents, backaches, ear infections, asthma, allergies, numbness in limbs, athletic injuries, just to mention a few. Not to mention wellness care.”
Well, heck! With such a wide ranges of undocumented miracle treatments, not to mention the irritability, depression, ADHD, colic, and infertility cures covered in other chiro ads, it seems reasonable to me that they would also be able to cure chronic misanthropy, don’t you think? So, it was worth a try….